Well well well, this was certainly an interesting round.
A small nitpick, both parts could easily have fit onto 1 page, but this doesn't affect the entry.
We gained some insight into what Kobal is, and a darker side revealed. You portrayed Cameron well enough, but could have done more. Reading this I would have no idea that Cameron is blind or psychic, and is some random 15 year old for the slaughter and he had next to no input in the story, I feel you could have done more with Cameron than a simple victim.
You described the general surrounding quite well, I could tell what the surroundings were most of the time. The overall plot of this entry was rather basic, but it served its purpose to move Kobal and his own story forward.
The area descriptions and the flow of the action was good but I hate to say, the story really wasn’t long enough for me to develop any tension, or feelings towards either character. I feel it was rather simple overall. As I said though, your descriptions of the surrounds and Kobals obvious pain were very good.
Poor Cameron just can’t catch a break.
The main theme of your entry seemed to be Cameron’s internal struggle, and it was very well written. Not that much actual development on Cameron’s side, but a good strengthening of what we know, and what he will do when pushed to his limits. I felt you described and used Kobal quite well, though I do feel he had a bit of storm trooper vs plot armour moments here, as I’m sure you’ll agree he does seem a lot more competent than portrayed here. The mind games you played however seemed to fit the bill and were a nice touch.
The surrounding you described were very nice, drawing focus again and again to the vines, foreshadowing their key role. The story your wrote was brilliant, I was left wondering at each turn of the page, ‘how will he ever win?’. Against all odds you found a way. I found myself hooked as it proceeded, with only some misgivings with Kobals less than stellar combat performance
The interactions with Thanatos and the Master we’re well done.
Overall I feel
’s entry had more going for it and made better use of the opponent, though not by that much. So My vote goes to
Oh my oh my, the intrigue is real.
Your plot pacing and describing of the overall goal were good, I was left in no doubt what was going on and what must happen, though I feel the descriptions of the maze were rudimentary, there was enough to work with and after all, there’s not much to describe about a hedgemaze
.
Lots of character development here between Dnias and Yang, though I still haven’t cottoned onto what Yang’s plot is. The keeping a tally of his remaining inhibitor stones, possible illness acquired from the harsh environment, were all nice touches and I liked the interactions between Dnias and Yang, neither giving the other an inch, yet both striving towards survival. Enter Murok. I think you got his personality down pretty well and made reference to his encounters in the previous round, all very nicely done, as well as your portrayal of Frost’s intelligence. Overall I think you got both down nicely.
The meat of your round however were the underlying subplots, Yangs attempts to take over and the oh so lovely hints at ‘Rebellion’ from the masters, all very nice touches that make me want more.
If I have one complaint outside of the sparse environmental descriptions, it would be the ending. Dnias goes from being lost, to being in combat to running straight to a door I don’t think he had a way of knowing was there (unless I missed something), it was all very deus ex Machina, though the scuffle was nicely done, you brought in Muroks more….playful side quite nicely, and helped show off Dnias’ manipulative nature.
Oh good, frost didn’t get it too bad this round.
First I’ll talk about the setting and one problem I had with it, for many panels our characters we’re standing on, walking in a rather non-descrip location, if I didn’t know it was meant to be a labyrinth to begin with, I wouldn’t have had a clue till 13 pages in (11 at a push, I do see some classic maze walls there). Aside from that, it was drawn well enough and there were no further discrepencies.
The direct continuation of you story was nice, it leaves no room for between story jarring, and makes for an easier read. I did enjoy the wall shadow to introduce the item switcheroo for the round, it was well done, nicely drawn and VERY effective. I feel this whole round you developed frost more than anything, who was given much of the spotlight and is shown to be anything but helpless. Some possible subservience to the woman is shown, not enough to be certain, but enough to make us think maybe the master is not 100% in control of this.
Your story progressed smoothly and simply from point A to B, with the odd twist, a simple rescue mission. It got the point of this round across well. Now for the point I’ve left till last as it bothers me the most. Your portrayal of Dnias and Yang was poor, and I hate to say that after your excellent display of your previous opponent. Everything from their personalities, to their abilities was wrong; Yang was shown as floating, and possibly ethereal, but was also shown to be using lightning, which he cannot do unless in control of the main body, this is a rather large oversight, but to make it worse, their interactions with each other, though short and limited, showed no correlations with the actual characters. Dnias would not be one to suggest killing, even a dog, and Yang would never talk so cordially with Dnias, or at least, that’s my interpretation. I also think they we’re a little too tall.
A good entry, but I feel your weren’t putting your all into it, and are maybe pre-occupied elsewhere. I would pay more attention to your opponent in the future.
I give my vote to
mostly due to the better story telling and portrayal of both sets of characters.
I’ll get this one out of the way, there we’re more than a few typos and grammar errors (mostly typos), I’m not sure if it’s because I’m a grammar nazi but I found they broke the flow a little. Just a little.
You set the scene amazingly, I was picturing a deep dark labyrinth in my head and it reeked of evil. You did good on describing it all. You addressed the main plot rather simply, but it worked well, and gave you the chance to use that caged bird
.
Silas internal conflict plucked at my heart strings, I won’t lie, you can’t help but feel sorry for the one forced down the villainous route who is towing the line of good and evil, but looked down upon and forced into evil acts. The writing was very convincing of Silas sincerity, but also at painting his selfish side. You wrote Theus well enough, you described him and he acted in character, so no complaints there. Their short friendship was nice and believable.
My only real complaint and advice would be to proof read a little more for typos and missing letters.
Oh wow, your last round was good, but this is an improvement.
I have but a small complaint, but it is probably not a valid one. I found your early transition of cage to master to cage rather jarring, I can’t help but feel it would have been better to start at the master and be transported to the cage, a waste of magic perhaps? Regardless, you set the scene well, I liked the inclusion of the crystal trees they were a rather unique inclusion in the maze.
With the scene set over so well we move onto the plot your set for us, I enjoyed the small amount of lampshading the ease at which the primary task was accomplished, as if assuming everyone else would also have a similar exchange
. The secondary aspect of the plot was predicable, but still well done, and helped reinforce Silas’ character.
I enjoyed the character advancements you made with Theus‘ character, it revealed just enough to feed my curiosity, but leaving me wanting more details, you also reinforced his habit of noble honour, even in the face of obvious treachery, and at the same time, shining a light on the small trace of good and honour that remains in Silas, who did not make a break for it once battle commenced. I feel the way you wrote both characters was both fitting and very well done, I thoroughly enjoyed this round.
You seem to have developed a habit of forcing me into hard decisions
, once again your round is the hardest for me to decide. Unfortunately the chance of you doing that again are a little slimmer, as I give my vote to
this round.
This was by no means an easy decision, both rounds were stellar but I have to choose 1 winner and I feel Nage wrote the characters maybe 5% better, and had a lot fewer typos. Best of luck to both of you.
Wins by default sadly, though we get more Cassie, so silver linings?
I have a severe lack of time, I am sorry I cannot judge your round properly. But people are needing sav-- I mean locked in a frozen wonderland